Thursday, June 16, 2011

This post is sponsored by the fur-sucking beast right beside me. That's right. You heard me.

There are probably a million things that have happened that I could have blogged about, but I haven't been writing anything down.  This is why I am a terrible blogger.

So!  Let's talk about sharks.

Firstly, I've decided that all sharks should become vegetarian.

Secondly, I bought a purple Shark vacuum.

Which is completely not really newsworthy and is terribly boring to pretty much everyone on the planet, except that it sucks up all my dog and cat hair and makes me a happy, happy woman.  I've turned into a vacuumholic.  (At least a little bit.)  I vacuum my bed.  My pillows.  The dog bed.  The floor.  I've tried to vacuum the big, white, fluffy dog, but she runs away.  I vacuum EVERYTHING.  I feel safe to put my bare feet on my carpet and not feel like I'm getting fur, litter, or drool all over my feet.

Also?  It's purple.  How fucking awesome is that?  Obviously, this vacuum was made for me.

Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure Boy thinks I'm a little off for being so in love with my vacuum cleaner.  My hearing-dog fears it, my deaf-dog ignores it, and both cats think it's going to eat them.  It's okay, little purple machine.  Mommy loves you.

Side note:  I used to be afraid of vacuums, too.  I was always very ginger about turning them on.  Kind of how I was afraid of toilets flushing until I was in, oh... 5th grade or so.  You know the ones I'm talking about; the toilets that flush with the force of a tornado?  I always thought I was going to be attacked by toilet water, or the monster that lives in the pipes.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Being a vampire would totally ruin my sex life.

I had an incredible amount of energy at work.  Then I got home and I lost all of it and my brain probably exploded, not that I'd notice if it was gone, but my boyfriend has been complaining that I'm ignoring him.  Which is silly, because it's hard to ignore someone who has taken up more-or-less permanent residence in your ear.

I think our conversation tonight has mostly gone something like this:
Boy:  You're ignoring me.
Me:  *silence.*
Boy:  Yep, totally being ignored.
Me:  Oh.  Shit.  Were you saying something?
Boy:  No, of course not.  It's not like we're on the phone together or anything. You can go ahead and ignore me.
Me:  *blissfully types away without bothering to comment.*
Boy:  ...

Yes.  We're on the phone.  You didn't actually think he lived in my ear, did you?  I know I might be a little crazy, but I don't need an admission to the local psychiatric center.  Yet.

I have learned that energy drinks are probably the last thing I should be indulging in at work, especially when e-mailing the boyfriend.

Other things I've learned today:
  • Being a vampire would ruin my sex life.
  • Candy is probably not a great substitute for real food.
  • Energy drink + candy is an even worse lunch menu.
  • Your work is still waiting for you after you space out for 10 minutes pondering the fantastical reality of living life as a vampire.
  • I shouldn't read my favorite blogs when I'm on the phone with the boy.  He doesn't understand the silence.
  • There's probably a rule somewhere that says you should be talking to who you're on the phone with.  I should take a class on it.
  • I'm really lucky I have someone who doesn't mind that I space out and I should probably tell him so. Does linking him to this post count as giving him props for being a great boyfriend?
Snippets from my e-mails to the boy today after three-quarters of a can of low-carb Monster and much epiphany over life as a vampire:
  • If I wear a sack for the rest of my life, I will not get enough vitamin D and then I'm pretty sure I will be termed a vampire.  Because I'm pretty sure vampires don't get enough vitamin D.  Then, I will be your super-ultra-trendy girlfriend.  Except maybe by then vampires won't be trendy anymore.  So I'll maybe be your obsolete girlfriend.  But that's not the point.  The point is, vampires drink your blood and I will go through emo-angstiness about drinking your blood and then you will be sad that I will be staring at your neck like omg, food! and we'll never be able to [have sex like] bunnies again because I'll be like :D food! and then you'll attack me with a wooden stake and I'll be like D: food? and the world will just be sadder without us both in it.
  • ... that's your response to my possible impending vampiredom?  I was hoping at least for "Shit! You're right! That sucks.  I don't want my blood to get eated.  I'll let you wear whatever you want.  Hell, walk around naked.  Get that vitamin D.  We'll seal the windows with garlic and put mirrors EVERYWHERE.  VAMPIRES ARE BAD.  NO MORE VAMPIRES.  CRUSADE AGAINST THE VAMPIRES."
In the end,  he told me I probably shouldn't be drinking energy drinks anymore.  I think I agreed, but I'll probably do it again tomorrow.